Session 1 just came to a close. A-Team and Work Crew and Summer Staff left a couple hours ago.
My heart feels heavy. But I'm sure it couldn't feel this heavy if this session hadn't first made it feel full. It was so go-go-go and now it's over. It was so fast and so busy, but so full. No day ended as a bad day. It felt impossible to even try to have one.
It's emotional because I'm not ready for these people who so constantly reminded me of the Lord's faithfulness to leave.
I came into this summer praying that Jesus would show me what He has for me here.
At the close of this session, I can already see that "what He has for me" is the answer to all the prayers that had been on my mind over this past season of my life.
When I said goodbye to Beau he said "You should go on staff. I mean it," and just that was enough to prick tears in my eyes. Isn't that what God has been showing me all session?
Everywhere I turn there was another reminder of Debbie, another push to uncover what gifts the Lord has given me, another chance to watch someone else be wowed by the Lord's faithfulness.
Last night Lindsay Hancock was encouraging the work crew in taking this new life home with them, explaining how camp is special because of how you get to experience and live in the fullness of life and the sense of purpose it supplies you with. That felt like a lightbulb moment for why I know the Lord is calling me to Field Staff. This work "doesn't feel like work" because the purpose is so much greater than just the task at hand. Being a teacher would be awesome, but if I'm only doing it to love kids, why not do it surrounded by a community that is doing the same thing with the same goal? – my heart isn't for teaching, it's for kids. The sense of purpose that Debbie's passing weirdly provided me with is the same sense of purpose I feel when I think about going on staff. I have a feeling she always knew.
How many times have I prayed, begging the Lord to help me understand why my heart is so burdened for people who even just look like they could use a friend? It's clear enough now. How else would I know that I really have no other choice if I want to quell that pain in my chest? Graham said he found his calling in understanding that calling lies within what makes your heart glad. Isn't friendship just that for me?
Jesus equips the called, doesn't He? Before I sat across from Debbie in a Starbucks, how many of the characteristics of a staff person did I have? How many of the qualities of a staff person did I have before Debbie silenced my doubts by saying "of course you're going to be a leader. I knew from the day I met you when you were in 6th grade that you were going to be a WyldLife leader."
Of course it had to be Southwind. It never could have been any other camp.
Of course it had to be this A-Team, all coming from NC and Florida.
Of course I had to be in the kitchen, where I can hear the Hobart equipment whirring and interact with the work crew.
Of course I had to feel the urge to talk to Aliah and Isaac.
Of course it had to be Debbie's best friend. Of course Debbie was her leader too.
So, so much of this session I want to take with me and hold close to my heart forever.